AikiWeb: Humor: Superiority in Budo
- by Dennis Hooker

Scientific Proof of Climate and Geographic Superiority in Budo

After reading so much of the well thought out dialog by first and second year Aikido students (and some teachers who act like they are)

regarding the proper way to study Aikido and the proper school to belong to, the social research lab at Middlelander University dedicated

itself to identifying the best possible school of Aikido and what factors make it so. Given the dialog, the weight, and consideration it

deserves, we offer the following.

Our science project has taken us all over this country. As we stand here at the southernmost tip of Florida and look to the north across this

great nation, we view the wondrous variety of its people. We look to the left and see the Left coast with all those strangely liberal people and

their liberal ways. This is reflected in their Aikido, as it should be. As we look to the right, we see the Right coast with all those bizarre

conservative people and their conservative ways. In their Aikido you can see their conservativeness. They are reluctant to shift from

convention and do strange things in new ways and call it Aikido, as do those liberal nuts on the Left coast. Those on the Left coast can not

contain themselves with such absurd rigidity as those conservative quacks on the Right coast. They must reach out with their feelings and

become Luke Skywalkerish in their thinking, as they strive to be Obi-Wan.

If we tilt our head just right, we can view the heartland with those wonderful moderate folks. They occupy the Middle Land, and though we

consider ourselves part of them we are being totally objective in this study. They are the most wonderful people in the world (a good looking

and intelligent people too). Their middle ways and logical thinking are carried over into their Aikido. Being moderate, they can take from the

strange Left and Bizarre Right those attributes deemed good and leave the rest. They can do this because they are from the middle land, a

superior breed of people.

It has nothing to do with religion, race, sex, or sexual orientation. It has to do with geography. If a Left coast nut would establish residence in

the middle land that person would soon lose their distorted method of thinking and acting and become a middlelander. The same applies to a

 Right coast conservative bizarreo. Their tendency to kill and maim like the badass Niko and mighty Rambo would soon be lost among so

many righteous people like the middlelanders. The middlelanders organize under different names as do the strange and bizarre peoples.

 However, there is a collective middlelander thought shared by all groups. That is a knowledge of superiority over the Left and

Right peoples. The method of thinking is different between the middlelanders and the strange Left and bizarre Right. The middlelanders go

 with the old axiom that: "I disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it." The bizarre Right says: "I disagree

 with what you say and I will kill you if you say it again." The strange Left says: "I disagree with what you say and I will kill myself if you say

 it again."

We think we are being extremely open minded in our evaluation of the Aikido population in this country. The logic of this rationale has to do

with geography and climate-induced thought patterns. The strange Left coasters live much of their life outside. This is because the weather is

 so hospitable. With that much open sky and semi-clean air there is nothing to hold the mind inside. The thoughts drift out and open space

 drifts in (thus the term "air-head"). With so much free-radical Aikido thought floating in the air, held under layers of pollution, it is no wonder

 there appears to be spontaneous births of AIKIDO MASTERS on the Left coast. We can find no other explanation for ***SENSEI*** who

 have no history of Aikido Study or identifiable teachers. Their Aikido Knowledge must have been gained through osmosis brought on by

 geography and climate.

On the other hand the bizarre Right coasters spend much of their time indoors. Without the freedom of the open spaces, there thoughts are

repressed inside during long cold winters and short hot summers. At the first sign of provocation, there pent-up repression comes pouring

 out in the form of a devastating right cross to the jaw (thus the term "radical right"). The Right coast also has its share of spontaneous

 ***SENSEIing*** of unsuspecting people. The geography and climate causes many days of isolation in dark cold dwellings where the

 osmosis takes place from the pages of books, magazines, and the glitter of the VCR.

The middlelanders, however (by the way, did we mention we are part of them, but are being totally open-minded in this study), have a perfect

 balance between repression and liberation. Mild winters and warm summers provide a perfect balance for nurturing a complete and nearly

 perfect human being (thus the term "god-like"). The phenomenon of spontaneous ***SENSEIing*** does not take place in the Middle Land

 as there is always an opportunity to take at least one class and see at least one real sensei before becoming an AIKIDO MASTER. The

 strange and bizarre peoples hold us (them) in awe, which is understandable now that we have shown beyond a doubt the scientific proof